Ninety-nine as in "This is the 99th entry of this blog". Ninety-nine as in "It fails before the 100th".
Considering the time I have spent on this, and the indisputable right of life and death I have here, it is my duty to tell you, that I will no longer edit this blog. No more entries, no more morning depressions, no more evening pains. No more words. No more of this time lost to sentences. No more talking, writing, elaborating, describing, understanding. I hate understanding. It gives you a shallow feeling of knowing more without the power to change it. Understanding is boring, understanding makes me sick. Looking for, and putting the right word into the right place makes me also sick, and tired.
So it is just right that I bring it prematurely to an end, as I did with many other things in my life, for fear of scary and freezing thoughts, or because I was lazy, or stupid. It could have been hundred, but it is so much more symbolic of my whole life with ninety-nine, as for this one missing, you know. Yes, ninety-nine is one missing. One missing in my brains, one missing in my thoughts, one missing in my heart. Life is not a blog, life is not an aesthetic alignment of nice-sounding words with deep meanings, but overlooking the essential. Life is not a literary challenge. Life is made of stars, freezing wind, and half past 11pm at a bus stop in an empty street. Life is made of bridges, like the one I forgot to pay attention at which places it was linking together, focusing on what it was going over. Sorry about that, dear. I've built my very own solid ice cage, where I am safe from harm, actually too safe, and now I can not destroy these walls from inside.
It's been nice writing here, looking for appreciation, recognition. Shouting at things, recovering or suffering from other, my own humble role in the great comedy. I will surely continue writing (I bought a laptop in this regard). But it's also been like trying to fit my ice cube into a round hole. I need a pause from all this, and my past, present and future will not leave me in peace. The chapter of these last five months now has to close, leaving room for something new, better, worse or stupidly the same, I still don't know. But it does go on. Thank you.
This blog in its current form has lived. May it rest in peace. End of the story.